Fresh from WWE’s latest special (considering Pay-Per-View sounds kind of antiquated now, what with all their “Network” shenanigans”) there’s a lot of big matches and some surprising new developments to talk about.
The Deadman is… dead, man.
Brock Lesnar and the Undertaker’s feud came to a violent head at Hell in a Cell. These two men have been at one another’s throats with a fury rarely seen in the modern day WWE. At HIAC they were allowed to finally have one knock-down, drag out brawl to settle all their bad blood.
The pair meet up in the center of the ring for an epic staredown before the bell. ‘Taker does his trademark white eyes, throat-slitting taunt but the Beast merely smirks it off. The bell rings and the two are off. They jockey around the ring, neither man able to gain a proper foothold. The crowd is frenzied, an alternating “Suplex City!/Undertaker!” chant filling the building. What follows next is not so much a wrestling match but a down ‘n’ dirty street fight. Both men proceed to pound the absolute expletive out of each other for about 15 minutes. They exchange big, hard punches, elbows and knees.
Brock pins the Deadman in the corner and hammers him with heavy shoulder blocks. Undertaker reverses, whipping Lesnar into the opposing corner then clobbers him with a collossal clotheline. Brock gets behind the Phenom and stamps his ticket for a one way trip to Suplex City. The wizened old vet sees the moving coming, however and does a quick feint, launching Brock through the ropes and outside the ring.
It looks like Brock landed head first and the big man is seeing stars. Taker delivers a couple stiff rights hands to press the issue. He tosses Brock towards the cage but the Defiler of Men reverses, sending the Phenom into it instead. He picks up ‘Taker in what looks like an outside F5 or a turnbuckle guillotine but the Deadman breaks the hold with big stiff elbows. He launches Brock into the corner post and the Beast hits hard. Lesnar pauses a moment, his meaty fist over his face, absorbing the shock of what just happened. Brock stumbles away from the post, the Last Outlaw stalking up behind him.
‘Taker bashes Lesnar in the head with another hard right and we find out that yes, this monster does bleed. Lesnar “gets color, the hard way” as some old school wrestling commentators might call it, as a geyser of red opens up on his forehead. The Phenom is merciless and rains down heavy blows on the open wound. He tosses Lesnar into the cage and the Monster is dead on his feet. The action moves back into the ring now and ‘Taker tosses in a chair to maximize the punishment.
The cornered Lesnar lashes out like a feral wolf, pulling him into a belly to belly hold then slamming him to the mat. Lesnar grabs the chair then puts in some unholy work on the Phenom. The wound on Lesnar’s head has turned his face into a red mess and a medic comes in to see if he’s even fit to finish the match. Lesnar waves him off then goes to take another bite out of the Undertaker.
After a few particularly nasty sounding chair shots Lesnar checks the Phenom’s bags then puts him on the train to Suplex City, complete with barking the signature, “Suplex City, B—!” he popularized during his WrestleMania 31 match with Roman Reigns. The Beast grabs the steel steps and rams the Deadman with them. He goes for the pin and it looks like this one is 3 seconds away from being over. But the Deadman isn’t licked yet. He kicks out and Brock is incredulous.
The Beast picks up the steel steps and is about to crush the Undertaker with them but ‘Taker throws up his feet, launching the hunk of metal into Brock’s forehead. Both men are down and out until Lesnar rallies up, trying to cover the Phenom. Undertaker pulls him into the ‘Hell’s Gate’ submission maneuver that decided their last encounter at SummerSlam 2015. Brock is trapped, panicking. Outside Paul Heyman is going into conniptions. Lesnar powers out, raining down heavy blows on ‘Taker, forcing him to break the hold.
Brock peels back the canvas covering the mat, exposing the raw metal and wood composing the ring. He looks to plant the Deadman on the raw, unforgiving material but ‘Taker reverses, chokeslamming Lesnar onto the exposed wood. The ringside announcers, Lawler, JBL and Cole, all intimately familiar with the hardness of the mat, audibly cringe. The crowd lights up with “This is awesome!” chants. Undertaker takes it a step further, Tombstone piledriving Lesnar onto the exposed mat. He goes for the pin and Lesnar is out of it. This match is over… until Brock kicks out.
“This guy’s superhuman!” exclaims Lawler.
“Which one?” asks JBL.
The Undertaker lords over his downed foe, gesturing with another throat-slitting, symbolizing he’s about to finish it. Brock responds by giving the Legend a taste of his own nasty medicine, delivering a cheap shot to the Crown Jewel of the WWE’s family jewels. He F5’s the Deadman onto the exposed floor and puts him away.
What. A. Match. If this is the last time these two ever meet in the ring, it will go down as a definitely fitting end to their saga. To speak nothing of it taking its place in the pantheon of legendary matches in WWE Universe history.
But wait… there’s more…
The Undertaker struggles to his feet to a cavalcade of applause. He takes a knee to do his signature power pose and the moment gets interrupted by swirling buzzards. Bray Wyatt and his backwoods brood pre-empt the festivities and surround the ring. ‘Taker’s just had the fight of his career and isn’t even remotely capable of defending himself as the dark birds descend and start picking his carcass.
This also clears up some of the confusion from last week’s Raw when Wyatt and his two disciples appeared and it was Erik Rowan under the mask in place of Luke Harper. Considering Luke Harper is the only one to have officially returned to the Church of Bray it caused much confusion amongst the Internet Wrasslin’ Community. Apparently both men are back in the fold, along with their latest brother, the mountain of man known as Braun Strowman. (AKA Mr. “Biscuits and Gravy, That’s What Made Me”.) The Wyatt Family finishes out the show by destroying the Undertaker. Bray must still have some unresolved issues with the Phenom following his loss to the Undertaker at WrestleMania 31.
The Wyatts eerily carry the Undertaker’s defeated frame out of the ring and to the back. Which really begs the question, what are they planning on doing with the guy?
He wanted some. He came and got some.
John Cena continued his awesome U.S. Open Challenge at HiAC. Speaking of rising from the dead, someone found Zeb Colter wherever he’s been hiding these last few months. The uber-patriotic Colter comes out riding a motorized scooter. And really, what’s more American than that nowadays. Colter says he has a challenger ready and able to take down Cena and it’s none other than… Alberto Del Rio. *Cue record scratch* Yes, the fiercely anti-immigrant Zeb has partnered up with the Mexican national, Del Rio, in a very inspired, if not highly unexpected pairing.
Del Rio doesn’t appear to have lost a step in his time away from the WWE. He proceeds with a series of targeted attacks to Cena’s joints to slow him down combining it with some lucha style high flying moves that keep the Cenation Commander-in-Chief completely off balance. Del Rio goes for his patented arm bar, apparently forgetting in his time away that No One but No One makes John Cena tap.
After getting in some offense of his own Cena attempts to finish Del Rio with an AA but the Aristocrat reverses into an epic boot to the head, putting Cena down for the count. Word is Cena’s looking to take some time off for both rest and other projects so this’ll probably be the last we’ve seen of him for a few months at least.
Seth Rollins: WWE Champion, Ladies Man, Exorcist
Seth Rollins rids the WWE Universe of one of its most malevolent spirits after his defeat of the Demon Kane. One of the stipulations for the match was Kane’s removal as a corporate director as well, so Rollins manages to kill two demons with one stone this match. It remains to be seen whether or not the Burning Man will return to haunt the WWE’s hallowed halls in the future.
Other results from WWE’s Hell in a Cell 2015, courtesy WWE.com:
Dolph Ziggler, Cesaro & Neville
Rusev, Sheamus & King Barrett
Winner: Ziggler, Cesaro & Neville
Intercontinental Champion Kevin Owens
Winner: Kevin Owens
Divas Champion Charlotte
WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day
The Dudley Boyz
Winner: Based New Day
Hell in a Cell Match
Winner: Roman Reigns
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