I understand that your advice column is usually oriented towards hetereosexual dating issues, but I really like how you think and explain things to people. I’m hoping you can help me about my now defunct lesbian relationship.
I’m a 35 year old female who was in a 14-month long relationship with a woman age 31. Deborrah, our relationship was seriously the best I’ve ever had.
When we met two years ago she had plans to move to Australia, but she decided not to go and stayed here, I guess because she felt she was falling in love? We saw each other 3-4x per week, but spoke on the phone daily. Our sex life was good at first, but disappeared after two months together. She had absolutely no sexual desire, but insisted that she was in love with me and that there wasn’t anything wrong with me – it was her.
She is a free spirited type of woman who loves to travel and be unencumbered. She’s had amazing adventures and had been pretty much all over the world by the age of 26. But I would like you to explain to me why, after 14 months together, she would suddenly decide that she doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship?
To make matters worst, two weeks after breaking up we got together and had sex, and it was fantastic just like it was in the beginning. This only confused me more. It’s been almost five months since the breakup. I heard that she is now in Australia as she’d planned, so there is no chance of us getting back together. I just can’t understand why she left me, or stop crying over her being gone.
First let me say this: One thing I’ve learned in my years as an advice columnist columnist is that every relationship, whether straight, gay or interracial, have certain core issues and conflicts that are universal. In this case we have a person that gave clear advance warnings of the fact that they were not there for the long haul, don’t like to be tied down for long, don’t like obligations or commitments, and have no owner other than the wind.
You either didn’t understand the implications of her behavior and history, or you ignored what you observed and heard hoping that she would change because of love. Either way, you failed to accept the reality of who you were dealing with until she left you and your relationship in the dust.
Also sounds to me like your ex-girlfriend and you were not on the same page sexually. The intimacy you hold as so important is to her nothing more than entertainment, and certainly does not equate to an emotional commitment. When one views sex as you do, getting together with someone with whom you have no true commitment never works out emotionally or spiritually and all such casual sexual encounters should be avoided.
I also think that your assumption that she stayed in San Francisco because she was falling in love is another mistake. Nothing about her behavior speaks of “love” to me. I believe she hung around because her money was funny, and it took another year to get it right so she could leave the USA, and go to Australia where her spirit was drawing her.
Give yourself one more weekend to lay in bed and feel sorry for yourself. Cry until you are dehydrated and can’t cry anymore. Then no more of that nonsense, five months is more than sufficient to whine. You will get up, change your sheets, air out your apartment, and go through your place removing any and all memories of her existence. You will put them in a box and toss them into the nearest trash receptacle. It’s called “getting rid of relationship baggage.”
It’s time to pick yourself up and stop crying over spilled milk, honey. You cannot make this work if she doesn’t want it to. Remember, she is on living her life as she chooses, having a good time being young and free; you need to be doing the same.