Rationally, alcohol and home improvement are as unwise a pairing as alcohol and motor vehicles. Neither should be combined, ever. Home improvement projects, though, are not always conducive to rational thinking, and a nice stiff cocktail is often just what the carpenter ordered.
Since the elements of amateur craftsmanship and booze are as contradictory as they appear inseparable, it is important to understand which drink goes with which huge, frustrating failure. Your more colossal social disasters call for straight tequila, or Jagermeister. To properly mess up domestically, you need vodka.
You are advised to approach each project as you would anything involving power tools and potential destruction: sober. Blasphemy, certainly, though studies have shown that sobriety is the leading cause of all level-headed decision making since the beginning of time. But, do-it-yourselfers know that every home improvement project can quickly degenerate from sober-headed smoothness, into a befuddling mess without warning, and seemingly without cause. Once this happens, who can blame those who seek solace in the liquor cabinet?
Initial Reflection – this is where one tends to ask themselves, “Should I even be attempting to repair my own dishwasher?” This cowardly uncertainty is best tackled with a stout Russian Standard Vodka and tonic. Taken in this critical early stage, a weak drink may cause you to regain your senses. With too strong a drink you risk losing interest. Both have the potential to terminate a home improvement project in its infancy. Russian Standard and tonic has just the right smoothness/potency ratio to keep you focused, and more importantly, committed.
Secondary Reflection – clinically known as doubt, is often brought on by unexpected breakage or critical missing pieces. Topping this hurdle requires martinis. Faced with damaged and/or un-locatable components, careful consideration is called for. The type of introspection, if not aided by the calming power of a straight cocktail, could stray toward enlisting the aid of someone who knows what they are doing. Stolichnaya makes an excellent martini, though at the secondary stage it is best not to get lost in minutia. Any vodka with a taste and body that you do not find distracting will suffice.
Stage 3: The Wall – failure, or alleged failure may result for any of a thousand unforeseen and unavoidable reasons. Perhaps a fire has started. Maybe you have gotten irrevocably lost because you were too smart to follow the directions. The project may simply be beyond you. When this tragic juncture is no longer avoidable, it’s time for a shot. Admittedly, a vodka shot is not among the world’s more desirable concoctions. Yet, when hitting the home-improvement wall, like laughter, it is the best medicine.
Important decisions must now be made. Is it time to stop? Is it time to call a professional? How do you properly apologize to all the people you shouted at for doubting you? The humbling admission of defeat, and subsequent healing process, are best faced with a well-sated ego. Uncap the cheapest vodka in your kitchen, if you can get to it, and knock one back. Cheap vodka does wonders for covering the equally unpleasant taste of humility. A good shot is often what it takes to convince one to put down the tools and accept the inevitable. What it really does is make it hard to hold and manipulate a wrench. Your only sensible option is to give up.
Don’t beat yourself up. The only way to truly fail is not to try. Pour yourself another Stoli, and drink a toast to ambition.