Despite the No. 10 Utah Utes football team having unprecedented success, punter Tom Hackett has seen better days. His Subaru super sports station wagon was stolen from his driveway inexplicably by some burnout who probably had no clue punters are people too.
Quite likely the car thief didn’t know he was stealing Hackett’s pride and joy, a cherry red 1999 Subaru Outback wagon, one Hackett cherishes as much as some superstar might cherish his $1 million Italian sports car–even if the now stolen car is worth about $1,000 Blue Book.
Don’t believe this writer? Think he’s making up stuff? Peep what Hackett said about his own car for yourself, mate. “If anyone happens to see this red Ferrari (Subaru) please let me know. She went walking last night…” he tweeted.
Crikey. What kind of bloody wanker would steal a person’s ride from their drive? Apparently, one who wants to carve some patterns in that fresh pow-pow. Because Hackett–who might have a career in law enforcement in case the NFL doesn’t pan out–already has an APB out on his baby that was seriously stolen from the Aussie out back. Cue that gag reflex if only you don’t snort before you laugh.
“Just had a reliable source spot Basil (my red Subaru) with ski’s on the top rack headed for the slopes. Spotted on Foothill in Dans car park,” Hackett later tweeted on Tuesday afternoon, adding information to the juicy intrigue.
Dun-dun-dun, added the background music providing some rich, compelling Warren Miller-meets-Identity Thief imagery, complete with cloaked–probably hooded–figures in ski parkas and sweet stolen boots breaking into Hackett’s little red lovely in the wee hours.
That the perps in question may also have ski passes to any of the adjoining mountain wonderlands surrounding Hackett Country–uh, somewhere near the U–only adds to the already bizarre circumstances following Utah football players this year.
Remember cornerback Dominique Hatfield and the Millcreek car wash/armed robbery debacle? How could you not? Dude allegedly held someone at knifepoint while attempting to sell said person a video game system that didn’t exist. Lucky for Hatfield, the whole case was thrown out and dismissed and basically, the event that may or may not have occurred between Hatty P and the other person didn’t ever exist.
Nobody has a clue what’s going to happen in the case of the missing Subaru super sports wagon, but one thing is clear. If you follow the trail of pot smoke and the sound of Phish emanating from the place at which the car was taken, dude, you’ll probably spot some pretty long hairdos and possibly the most stupid person that ever walked the face of this Earth–and maybe even Hackett’s car in one piece.
Meanwhile, Hackett is rolling to school today on his scooter, mate. The tip on his Subaru idling in Dan’s parking lot turned out to be a tweet from his neighbor, Brennan Ambrose, according to FOX 13 News. That lead led Hackett and Co. to the North Face of nowhere, because by the time they were on the case, Hackett’s super sports car and uncool dude left them all hanging in the dust.
And so the magical merry-go-round continues, with no end in sight. “We’re just staring at each other trying to figure out where the bloody hell my car is,” the Utah punter said.