Not everyone deserves the nice side of you in your family. Jealous people genuinely lack what it takes to reciprocate those nice vibes back. They envy your spirit.
You are the target of blame, accusations, criticism and ostracism. Do you find yourself being repeatedly attacked and yelled at, emotionally and physically abused by one or more family members over and over even though mentally you are the healthiest member? You are repeatedly blamed and held responsible for when it is actually their actions and feeling that are the problem. You feel shamed by them and their unhealthy family dynamics. You are accused of being selfish and abusive and the source of all family problems. Your achievements are belittled and minimized and you are treated with disgust or disdain.
Family members would deny the behavior if you confront them about it. Scapegoating begins in childhood and continues into adulthood. Scapegoating is a way for families to get through problems they cannot face.
People who scapegoat are looking to raise their status by lowering the status of their target.The family’s history is blamed on the one child who cannot defend the attack. The child who does not have any family members willing to defend and stand for them. The scapegoat pleads and defends their innocence only to find themselves further bullied and blamed not to mention persecuted. It doesn’t stop into the scapegoat’s adulthood. The adult sees everything in the child that they hate in their own self. The scapegoat becomes depressed, anxiety ridden and withdrawn.
Mental illness, insecurity, neglect, addiction, betrayal are all characteristics that these dysfunctional families allowing this tactic of ‘projection defense’ to thrive. It allows them to ‘keep up appearances’ and makes the scapegoat look bad and takes the attention off of the real problem. The problem with these types of families is that they are usually headed by narcissistic parents. They lack empathy and seek to maintain the ‘look’ of normalcy. To anyone on the outside and usually the scapegoat the family crazy and delusional. The scapegoat, the sensitive, vulnerable, whistle blower is unhappy and refuses to look the other way any longer. The family atmosphere has become unbearable.
What is the scapegoat to do? Low self-esteem and low self-worth, the family scapegoat tries to keep the family secret for as long as they can. Talk about Identity Crisis, the confusing lies about how bad they are with the actual truth is abusive. They are being taught that they are bad. They battle with chronic insecurity they don’t feel safe and they never feel as if they are loved. They easily fall into the Victim role.
You are not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ you are not defective.You are right it’s not the truth. It was one way for the family to not acknowledge who the real problem is. Denial says they don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior and they don’t need to change. The same and guilt do not belong to you. Stop questioning everything about yourself and seeing yourself as bad.
Stop trying to win back the favor of the abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or friends. Anyone who participates in this kind of behavior has personality problems. A parent who didn’t love a child. Even in a failing relationship a boyfriend/husband who didn’t love a girlfriend/wife.
Severing all ties with the family is one way to preserve your emotional health. The scapegoating continues as the adult who began it is still doubting, fearing and self-loathing their own being and putting it on the adult child now. Scapegoating is abuse. Bullying is always scapegoating. It’s a serious family dysfunction. How does it begin? Someone in the family, an authority figure decides to make that person the outlaw, the bad guy, the one to blame. The parent looks for reasons to make the child wrong. The parent/family `siblings/relatives uses the child to vent their own frustrations for not doing well in life.
Hostile social-psychological discrediting routine. Aggression is always present where there is scapegoating. Scapegoating is much like the treatment that Cinderella received from her stepsisters and stepmother. The treatment is rude and humiliating. The person dishing it out will act as if they are self-righteous and manipulative, it’s hostile. It occurs in social groups and in larger groups. It is the displacement of responsibility. To blame another and to get your own “special group of supporters” to help blame the target to support the misplaced blame.
Manufacturing secrecy and denying their own dark side and projecting it on others. Self-deception is key. More important is the scapegoat to be expelled from the group. Scapegoating frees the bully from their own dissatisfaction and insecurities and justifies their aggression towards the scapegoat. What if you are the one who is scapegoating a family member? Take responsibility for your actions. Apologize and stop playing the ‘favorites’ game. Get therapy.
What if you see someone or know of someone who is being scapegoated. Show them extra attention and reassurance. Stand up and speak out for them. Break the destructive chain. There is strength in numbers and a long line of scapegoating is not easy to break or stop. Do not let the scapegoated person accept the responsibility of the blame. Stop the family dynamic. Get away from the family poison from trickling into the next generation. Refusing to be in an abusive situation is a healthy choice. You have the right to be you and to be happy, to be different and to make mistakes that are not ‘wrong.’ You have the right to be respected. If they want a healthy relationship with you they will stop the name calling, accusations and angry outbursts. Learn how to make people stay within the healthy relationship boundaries to have a relationship with you.
Don’t expect an apology; usually there is only more blame where that came from. The scapegoating has been going on for years and even decades chances are they will only blame you more.
In the workplace it’s unfair and its unethical. The scapegoats are singled out and excluded from the workplace. In some instances it can be illegal. In all situations it ceases to be or any value because it only stops the organization from seeing the real problem. Wasting time on ‘the blame.’ It doesn’t make any thing better. It just makes certain people feel better about what happened.