Sniffing out terrorists in this day and age has become increasingly simple. If you have a pair of eyeballs that can discern between the colors white and brown, and you possess an irrational fear of the unknown coupled with an astoundingly blinkered worldview that compacts issues into neat black and white boxes, congrats, you have a functioning Terrorist Detection System (made in USA, of course). Or you just look out for a kid holding a pencil box that contains a deconstructed clock. That’s a sure sign that terroristic activities are afoot, too.
But while our Terrorist Detection Systems are routinely updated with the latest, cutting-edge technologies and gewgaws, stopping terrorists is tough business because they, too, try to stay ahead of the curve in bids to ward off apprehension. Their techniques have become more refined, their activities are more precise, their cells harder to detect, their cave lairs ever-closer towards the Earth’s core. And, in perhaps Terrorist’s most dastardly move yet, they’ve completely switched tact and have sprung their ace in the hole, one that you would least expect: Pasty ginger terrorists. In some ways, you have to applaud their cunning machinations. Their plan is so inspired, so devious, yet so simple.
Or maybe not. Yesterday, a man in England was found guilty of plotting terrorist acts because he felt “belittled” by society for being white and ginger. Police arrested 37-year-old Mark Colborne of Southampton in June of 2014 after his mother and half-brother found dangerous chemicals and diary notes revealing his plans in his room.
In his room, Colborne had stashed ingredients to produce cyanide for a chemical weapon. Along with the chemicals, Colborne’s room also contained dust masks, spray bottles, metal filter funnels, syringes and latex gloves. Colborne also kept a neatly catalogued terrorist library that included all the classics of terrorist literature like “Assorted Nasties” (a guide that lists different poisons and chemicals), “Silent Death” (a manual that details how to engineer poisons), and “The Poor Man’s James Bond (a book authored by Kurt Saxon, a former member of the American Nazi Party).
In his diaries, Colborne mapped out his view of the world, a world that would have to pay for its marginalization and treatment of downtrodden gingers. “I want them to see my transition from poor red-haired victimized minority that is constantly walked over to a fully transformed military terrorist striking at the hearts of the bigoted tyrannical rulers and of course the dark-haired dark-eyes Caucasian race.” He also threatened that he, “will be heard through terror.”
Colborne also had his idols. In his diaries, he calls the Irish Republican Army “heroes” and cites Norwegian terrorist Anders Breivik as an inspiration. “I don’t want to be a serial killer. I’m more of an Anders Breivik. I’m looking for major retribution, a mass terrorist attack which will bring to the attention our pain not just mine but my brothers around the world.”
Colborne had plots detonate a bomb in his hometown, but he also had grander designs that consisted of assassinating Prince Charles and Prince William, thus paving the way for the ginger-haired Prince Harry to become king. “Wouldn’t it be great to have a military silent rifle, take up a good stealth position and put a bullet in Charles’ head. I would sacrifice my life for that one shot. Kill Charles and William, and Harry become king.”
Yesterday’s ruling comes in a retrial after a previous jury did not reach a verdict. The court will sentence Colborne on November 3. Now go hug a ginger.