Tinder, Bumble, Jswipe, Coffee Meets Bagel and others give singles more access to more people than ever, but that might not be a good thing if you don’t know what to look for.
What does he really mean when he says “I love to laugh?” What about when she shows you only close-ups or pictures with tigers? What is your own profile saying about you?
Learn how to “read” someone’s profile accurately so you can save time by avoiding the crazies so you can get the most from your dating app experience.
Here are tips for understanding people on dating apps.
DATING APP DICTIONARY: When someone says X, they really mean Y.
Because talk is cheap and people are frequently the worst judge of their own characters, here is a list of commonly used terms and what they really mean:
- Spontaneous = not a shred of spontaneity.
- Drama Free = an emotional nightmare
- Entrepreneur = Unemployed
- Love to Laugh = has no sense of humor whatsoever
- I like a man to take charge = I’ll be making all the decisions after the fourth date.
- Love to travel = I’m running away from something
- Easy going = a rigid nightmare
- Foodie = bulimic.
- Love to read = Boring as hell.
- Adventurous/Up for Anything = I’ll try it once, until the 4th date when I settle back into my same boring routine and we do everything my way.
- Relax/looking for a chill gal = You won’t feel the roofies.
DATING APP RED FLAGS
Next up is the dating app red flag zone. Ask any casting director, pictures lie. You have to learn how not to fall for the pretty face, but to look beyond it, to see what’s really there. Here then, are some tips for looking at pictures on dating apps and also tips for those taking them.
What kind of picture for your dating profile works best? It’s a cliche, but be yourself. You can only fool your date once. It either works for your date or not.
Remember, with very few exceptions, this is the best the person is ever going to look.
RED FLAGS
- Only one photo (or no photos) of you. Wha? Huh? No pictures? Even Quasimodo has a selfie.
- Too many photos of you. Are you a narcissist or something? 6 tops.
- If you are over 21 and have no text at all on your profile. Really? Nothing to say? How ’bout a favorite quote? A gurgling sound. The only exception to this rule is if you’re the next Ansel Adams and your pics are so breathtakingly spectacular that you tell an unbelievably incredible story.
- Blurry photos. You’re either trying to hide something, technologically illiterate, psychotic or you don’t care enough to find photos that are actually in focus. Either way, you should change your pics!
- Photos of you flipping the bird/sticking your tongue out at the camera. ‘Nuff said.
- Photos of you only wearing hats means you’re probably bald.
- Oh BTW, sarcasm is not a redeeming quality.
- If you have like five close up head shots and zero body shots. Watch out.
- Face is obscured by a.) hair b.) hand c.) clothing d.) kitten e.) all of the above.
- Kids that are not yours. We get it, you’re good with kids, but I don’t care about your sweet nephew Finn’s antics.
- Pictures of you with your hotter friends. Do you think their hotness will rub off? That we’ll be temporarily blinded and confused their stuningness? It just makes us want to go out with your hot friend.
- More than one group shot/no pictures of you by yourself. Are you not capable of being alone in a photo? You are probably desperate and clingy in real life.
- More than one photo of you with your pet. Mittens is nice, but I don’t want to date her.
- Same goes with pictures of your kids. One is fine, two; maybe. But I’m not here to date your eight year old. I’m here for you.
- All the images are quotes from the bible, Deepak Chopra, Tagore, somebody I never heard of. What are you hiding behind? Do you have one original thought in your head?
- Looking like a different person in each photo. Huh? What? What do you really look like? Maybe I’ll like it.
- Pictures with tigers. How are you that close? Did they drug the animal?
- Pictures of you with a man if you’re a woman and a woman if you’re a man. Why on earth do you think that’s enticing? Exception: You are allowed exactly one photo of you with your dad/mom/brother/sister to show how much you love your family.
HOW TO STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD
Almost everyone loves to travel, go to dinner, museums, concerts, occasionally stay at home and watch movies, but what are you really into? What do you do or love or would love to do that is different? A thing or two that is special to you? Are you a martial arts fan? Into decoupage, spelunking or dreams?They rarely look better than they do in the photos.
DATING APP DATING TRUTHS
- Screen for humor. Throw out a funny or fun thing and see if they appreciate your sense of humor
- If you want a serious relationship, don’t lie about your age or if you have children. They will find out eventually. Sooner is better than later.
- Don’t lie about your height, guys. This tends to be more important for women than men.
- If they’re interested, they’ll contact you. You may allow an occasional unreturned follow-up to allow for technological errors and/or “crazybusy” schedules, but two unanswered texts/calls i a row and move on. They are doing you a favor.
- Sometimes the best looking women are transgender men and vice versa.
Final reminder as you forge ahead on your dating app quest to find your perfect mate
There is no perfect mate, everyone’s got something wrong, bad, annoying and/or stupid about them. So do you.
Everyone is nuts. Your goal, find the kind of crazy you can handle, the right kind of crazy for you and then ride off into the sunset together with your nutty baggage safely tied together.
Now go forth and find your soul mate, one-night stand and/or polyamorous love match.
