Thanksgiving is coming! It’s one of America’s favorite holidays and a day for sharing a meal with people you either cannot stand or total strangers. And after Thanksgiving is Black Friday, which is the day when shoppers become gladiators willing to duel to the death over bath towels and electronics. Just a few joys of Thanksgiving. To get readers into the spirit of Thanksgiving, here are a couple of funny quotes and phone calls to the USDA from some real turkeys—courtesy of the Huffington Post.
Jim Gaffigan: “Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot? But we do that every day! Oh, what if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?”
Johnny Carson: “Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.”
Kristin Beaugh of the USDA shared a few funny phone calls made to her agency about Thanksgiving turkeys. These five classics are from 2013.
1. Only eat turkeys killed on a farm. Eating drowned turkeys isn’t advised.
A couple found a dead wild turkey in their swimming pool. They even considered cooking the drowned bird for dinner. Hopefully, the couple just buried the bird.
2. Only clothing belongs in a washing machine.
Never put your turkey in a washing machine. One caller didn’t have anywhere to place his turkey because it was too big. He got creative and decided to put in the washing machine with some ice. Too bad he forgot to tell his roommate, who decided to toss in some clothes, bleach, and detergent. Hopefully, these two guys either found a restaurant or a meal at someone else’s house.
3. The toilet is no place to rinse off a turkey
Never thaw your turkey in the toilet. One caller thought he could put the turkey in the toilet and give it a few flushes. Hopefully, this caller didn’t serve this bird to anyone.
4. The only bag that belongs in the oven is a cooking bag
One caller didn’t have a cooking bag for her turkey. She decided that a dry cleaning bag should work just fine. The dry cleaning bag cooked the turkey and left a near toxic odor. Hopefully, no one called the fire department.
5. Turkey’s should not fly on airplanes
So you got a great deal on a turkey? Don’t bother taking it on an airplane. After a woman’s flight was cancelled, one passenger thought it would be good idea to keep the bird on ice in a hotel bathtub. The next day, she placed it in her carry-on bag. She was advised not to eat the turkey unless she wanted to risk getting salmonella.